HEALING FROM PAST TRAUMA.

Today’s post is a hard one for me, maybe triggering for some, but I hope it promotes a journey that leads to healing for you. In my pursuit to start my year seeking God more diligently, it has led me down a road into an introduction to the world of spiritual healing and even deliverance. Now let me say it’s all very biblical, nothing new age over here! But in my struggles being a slave to sin, and having the colourful past I have had being apart of the world, I thought I needed to seek extra help to overcome some of my hurdles. I was recommended a therapist of sorts that deals with spiritual healing and deliverance. To be honest I don’t know what I expected, as I hadn’t talked to anyone professionally since I was 13 years old. The informal chats; getting to know this person who I am supposed to share the deepest part of myself with, were very refreshing and easy over a skype call, and before I knew it, I was in floods of tears after an hour into the conversation. Now, I have a long way to go still, as it’s only been a few sessions, but my last session was so revealing and surprising it moved me to share my revelation in hopes it might help someone else.

If you have been reading this blog from the beginning you would know I didn’t grow up knowing God, I don’t come from a religious family, and for 37 years of my life I lived as an enemy to God. Three years in, my walk with God has been difficult! That’s no surprise, its hard to be on the righteous path. As hard as it may be at times, it was definitely harder being apart of the world. When you are apart of the world you live a lie, because they tell you it’s the fulfilling path that leads to happiness, when the truth is you are always left with a feeling of emptiness. That emptiness you feel will never be satisfied if you follow the world, that emptiness is especially reserved to be filled by GOD! In my last session I had to admit I had been experiencing a block; a spiritual block, and I had no idea why. During the month of January, the month I had been seeking out the Lord, God had been communicating with me in different ways, but I felt like I couldn’t receive Him fully. I know the Holy spirit has been trying to fill me at points, but its felt like a tap that drips ever so slowly, instead of the gushing flow that is intended. But why? Was it a problem of unbelief? NO. I know God’s Word, I believe God’s Word! Watching my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ having these flowing in the spirit experiences, I felt like I was excluded from a club that wouldn’t let me through the door.

It’s very easy for the enemy to remind me of my past and make me feel unworthy, but I know that it’s not true! After our previous conversation where I had shared snap shots of my old life; a life where I lived very guarded with my heart, because of my past casual relationships that were built on me being in control and not letting men past a wall; all to protect myself from getting hurt. This led me to dig deeper, something I had never even considered doing. I had closed the door on my past since coming to Christ. All the things that I had experienced in my life and childhood, I had locked away. I thought that had no power over me. Growing up the way I did, I was never able to truly express my trauma, I always had to get over things quickly and get back to life! Sweeping every hurt and pain under the “carpet” being “strong” because that was all I was allowed to be. It was digging as far back as my earliest memories of my childhood that brought the revelation; that made me realise that I was still guarding my heart, even in my relationship with God my heavenly Father. I had created a wall unknowingly because I hadn’t given all the hurt of my childhood to Him. My mind and my heart were not connecting because I was still a hurt child protecting myself out of habit! I realised that I had never been a child, or even knew how to be one! Now when I am faced with being a child of God, and for the first time having someone to call a Father; never knowing my earthly father because he had no interest in knowing me, and not knowing what it meant to be a daughter because I grew up having a mother who wasn’t always loving and was very hard hearted, a mother who was physically abusive at times because she was abused, a mother that would always tell her friends with an air of regret that her life would of been different if she didn’t have me, a mother who planned to give me up for adoption when she found out she was pregnant, a mother who I had to mother. Add being abused at the age of 13 by my brothers dad, and seeing the only man who I ever wanted to call dad attempt to take my mothers life, my walls were built from an early age.

It’s strange how the things you don’t even think about can still haunt you. It’s in that hidden place where the enemy will get comfortable. He works in those hidden secret places, hiding behind the veil of hurt and pain. I thought that hurt didn’t affect me anymore, I am 40 years old! It’s funny how we can be transported back to that hurt child and feel every feeling exactly the same as you did back then. It was overwhelming but after the flood of tears that consumed me after that session, I felt a lightness that I hadn’t felt before. I closed my eyes and asked God to remove the wall around my heart that I had built, to help me to trust and accept His love for me so I could experience Him on a deeper level, so I could experience Him as MY Father!

Sometimes it’s hard reopening closed doors, it’s easier not to feel, to be numb is how we survive. But not allowing God to truly heal us is even more damaging. We have to trust Him with the hard things, as well as the good things because those who trust in the Lord are secure! No matter what has happened in your past, all the people that have hurt you, the everchanging hearts of man, know that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever! 1 PETER 5:7 “THROW ALL YOUR ANXIETY ONTO HIM, BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT YOU.” There is nothing of our past that He can not carry, no burden too big! His love for us is so great, it numbs our past pain so we don’t have to, we are perfected in His love!

I feel like I have drawn closer to Him since starting these sessions. He has been showing me new things and I have been and still am on this spiritual journey of what it means to worship Him in spirit. When Jesus tells us to seek and we shall find Him, no truer word was spoken. God is not hiding from us, if we look for Him, He will reveal Himself to us. What an amazing God we serve!

My childhood might have been hard but God carried me through every hard point. When I look back on my life I see He was always there, even in the darkest moments He was a light that carried me through the darkness. My mum is amazing, after the life she had and the things she experienced at the hands of those who were meant to love and protect her, she did the best she could in a dark place. The enemy is real and he is out here destroying lives! My mum being new to Christ today is a testimony of the power of God! Remember your past life doesn’t define you, it is your identity in Christ that defines you! So give it all to Him and let Him heal you, because only He can.

PSALM 118:5 “OUT OF MY DISTRESS I CALLED ON THE LORD; THE LORD ANSWERED ME AND SET ME FREE.”