The last few weeks have been such a struggle for me in the area of friendship. A lot of past trauma has resurfaced, things I never knew I held onto. I know I have posted about navigating old friendships when you become a new believer, but let’s talk about friendships within the body of Christ. I have, and I am still learning so much when it comes to friendships as a believer. But there has also been a lot of unlearning I have had to do, and that has been the most challenging part because having to deny your flesh is very hard, especially if your flesh desires to cuss someone out or simply just tell someone to shut up!
To understand where I am at, it’s important I take you back to who I was before Christ. When it came to friendships, I was always super picky about who I let into my inner circle. I always knew a lot of people, but I was very good at grouping them into “social” boxes. Certain people were good for certain things. But the ones that stayed close to my heart, the ones I truly considered my friends, I could count them on one hand and I had known them for more than 15 years, so these were the people I trusted wholeheartedly. Although this may seem very wise to you, and of course there is wisdom here, I was very guarded, and it was because I had been hurt at the tender age of 18/19 by these two girls who I thought were my friends, but ended up stabbing me in the back over money. I was heartbroken! Then a few years after that, a school friend that I spent every waking minute either talking on the phone with or hanging out with, behaved so badly on my birthday, the one day I expected them to show up for me. We were never close after that, and that hurt me. Those events changed me, I honestly was never the same again when it came to people. The people I let in close to me always hurt me, and I couldn’t trust anyone. So I built these walls around me so I wouldn’t get hurt again. Now, anyone I let into that space had to really earn it. I wasn’t about making new friends. I might have thought you were cool, but you stayed outside the wall, and I grouped you in boxes instead. In time, I became more introverted, an introvert who presents as an extrovert. If you weren’t in my inner circle, I found it a chore to make time for people, and if I did make plans, I would always be more concerned about when I would be able to go home. I found it all very draining. But it is very draining when you are constantly making an effort to be on guard all the time. It’s hard withholding yourself from people.
At the ripe age of 41, these past events have still been haunting me. They have shaped the way I relate with people. To be honest, I forgot about these things. They were so expertly hidden from myself that I didn’t even realise I was still dealing with the hurt until a recent event triggered this mine bomb to explode. The way God is always making me look deep within myself is just a testament to His love for me. Just when I think I have seen all there is to see, He reminds me that I am still a work in progress. When Jesus commanded that we love our neighbour as ourselves, I never anticipated how hard that would be for me. Oh, how easy it is to love the ones who love you the way you love them. But what happens when the love and consideration you show to others are not reciprocated? COLOSSIANS 3:13 “BEAR WITH EACH OTHER AND FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER IF ANY OF YOU HAS A GRIEVANCE AGAINST SOMEONE. FORGIVE AS THE LORD FORGAVE YOU.” But we cry out “No! They don’t deserve it. Lord, you see how they hurt me?!!!” but He whispers in your ear softly, with all the love and compassion of a Father “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” And now the real battle begins between your flesh and your Spirit.
Bearing with each other in love would have felt weak years ago, and I would have been too prideful to stand for any of this. I would have been the first to let you know how I felt without any consideration of the words I used. Letting people treat you however they want and still have to grin and bear it in love?? To me, who walked hand in hand with the world, this would have been foolishness! 1 CORINTHIANS 1:18 “THE MESSAGE OF THE CROSS IS FOOLISHNESS TO THOSE WHO ARE PERISHING, BUT TO US WHO ARE BEING SAVED IT IS THE POWER OF GOD.” To keep my heart from closing up to people, I have to remind myself of God’s grace for me and all I have done to Him! yet in His mercy, He has chosen to forgive me, His love for me makes it possible. And it’s the same love He calls us to have for each other! It’s not easy, but it’s important. I have had to deny myself to the point of tears. It’s been a true battle, but I have won, and I have come out the other side healed! My teenage truama is no longer hidden. The enemy can no longer use it against me. Instead, God gets all the glory!
Friendships are important! They are necessary! But wisdom is needed in how we go about them. Unfortunately, in my lack of wisdom, I have learnt some hard lessons during these few years as a believer. The first lesson I learnt was that just because someone is a Christian, it doesn’t mean they will be a friend without fault. If I am honest, when I became a believer, I expected to find friendships easily, thinking everything would be smooth sailing. I learnt very quickly that wasn’t the case. We all fall short, and we all need help. Not one of us is perfect. That is why we need to keep close to the one who is; King Jesus! COLOSSIANS 3:12 “THEREFORE, AS GOD’S CHOSEN PEOPLE, HOLY AND DEARLY LOVED, CLOTHE YOURSELVES WITH COMPASSION, KINDNESS, HUMILITY, GENTLENESS AND PATIENCE.” As we walk hand in hand with each other, how we do life together should not look like the world. Our friendships should not look like the world. How we respond to each other should not look like the world, for we have been set apart from the world! We will experience hard times with each other, and some days, it will be harder to pick up your cross and die to self than others. But in those times, remember that you are holy and dearly loved. Put your pride aside and humble yourself. Remember grace and mercy, and know that God sees it all and He will deal with His children, the way a good Father does with love and discipline. Don’t let the actions of others bring you out of the new nature that God has given you!
The newest lesson I have learnt is that it is ok to have inner circles within the body, as long as it’s not born out of truama. The best example of an inner circle is Jesus. In the Gospels He had twelve disciples, but He always went off with Peter, John, and James. He loved all the disciples, but He had an inner circle. The three were privy to certain experiences. They were sworn to secrecy, and they were trusted. I don’t know what made them special, but I don’t think that matters. I think it’s a healthy model of what friendships can be. Too many times, we can feel like we need all twelve to be in our inner circle, but that doesn’t make an inner circle, it’s just a circle. Just like there are family members we are closer with, the ones we are distant with don’t cease to be family because we only see them twice a year! My mistake was that I put too many people in my inner circle, so when I felt that I had been hurt, I automatically wanted to throw everyone out of my circle, I didn’t know who I could trust to be there. I started to feel overwhelmed and drained because I had gone back to withholding myself from people because I no longer felt safe. But I recognise that was just an attack from the enemy! God showed me I needed to use discernment in this area, and after a little shuffling around, I now feel peace, and I am back to being open, no longer withholding.
I know I have shared a lot of negatives, but there are way more positives to having friendships within the body. no matter what age, finding friendships is not an easy task. At 41, finding new friendships has been an experience. The people I am blessed to have in my circle have become so important to me! I literally need them to keep my head above water when life gets difficult. I understand the importance of having people who are like-minded lovers of Jesus in your corner! These are the people who will speak into your life with words of wisdom, these are the people who will cover you in prayer, these are the people who will hold your hand and walk along side you through difficult seasons, these are the people who will encourage you daily! I didn’t think I would find these connections at my age, people that I can truly be vulnerable with, without judgment. People who love me enough to correct me in love when I need it. Thank you, friends, you know who you are! I am truly grateful.
ECCLESIASTES 4:10 ” IF EITHER OF THEM FALLS DOWN, ONE CAN HELP THE OTHER UP. BUT PITY ANYONE WHO FALLS AND HAS NO ONE TO HELP THEM UP.”
MY CONVICTIONS 